Communicator, 75

Me: An attractive, witty, well-educated, intelligent guy who will make you laugh so hard you'll be running to the supermarket for the giant size of your favorite incontinence product.

You: An attractive, youthful, passionate woman who enjoys lively conversation, a great sense of humor, and a guy with whom you can truly just be yourself.

If you're the type that doesn't like to laugh and would rather be depressed all day and complain about everything wrong in your life, then I still can help you out. I will cheer you up, make you laugh, and brighten your day. How will that help you, you ask? Well, since you like being depressed, think how depressed you'll really be when you find yourself laughing and having a good time despite your best efforts at being miserable!

By the way, I do offer a full refund! If you talk to me and don't have a really great time, then I will gladly refund to you all of the words you expended in talking to me plus an additional bonus just for making the effort (assuming, of course, that your words were memorable enough to stick in my head).

Now, what could be more fair than that? Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained. So do not delay, call me today. And if, by chance, today is bad, don't be sad. Tomorrow is another day.